Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
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me: [holding knife] ok i鈥檓 not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there鈥檚 no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i鈥檓 just here to werk
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
[doctor鈥檚 office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
ME: hmm鈥astes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
This should not be this funny I am sorry馃槶馃槶馃槶
Apparently I鈥檝e reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 馃檨
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I鈥檝e got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first