Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
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5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
When you can’t find your friend Neil
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
A drum solo but on your face.
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?