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Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
Woke up with morning Yule Log
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
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They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.