Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
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Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw