Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
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Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
Hmm, not sure about this change
worst…sale…ever
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.