Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
You Might Also Like
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.