I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
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[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
I will never stop laughing at this
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.