Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
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I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?