Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
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Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.