Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
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Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
Room with a view.
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.