[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
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Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.