*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
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That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
they should invent a rest for the wicked
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.