*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
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This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real