Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
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(Jupiter –
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
*cough*
Sorry. Not sorry
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.