Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
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sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.