Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
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The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
Fixed this for Shakespeare
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.