My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
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Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
.
.
.
.
.
The top ans was
.
.
.
.
.
GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”