BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
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“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”