Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
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My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.