no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
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This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
Penguins walking in 5x speed
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter