[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
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POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.