“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
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Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
I thought this was funny lol
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
Left at a local drug store…
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
Bobby pin
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
My safe word is Worcestershire
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.