Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
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My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
I am, perchance
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
Good Morning.
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.