*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
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SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny