BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
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Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
Girl, same.
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!