[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
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If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left