[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
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I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again