[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
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Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
Aight bet
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.