Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
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I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently