Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
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Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
.
.
.
.
I still have Pringles?
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
operators are standing by to ignore your call
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
I have a type: disappointing