[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
You Might Also Like
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
twitter users today:
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.