me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
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When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
When ur friends with white people
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.