Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
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My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
this is so top tier i cant
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.