Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
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[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
Me recordaron éste meme
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.