@ClaytonSykes: Barber pointed out my new gray hairs and said I looked refined. I hope someone tells him the key marks on his car looks like racing stripes.
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@eeethanford: *Stubs cigarette out in palm to look tough* *waits till everyone leaves* *takes out cell phone* Hello 911? Please send all your ambulances
@ImABaconDonut: One day on Mercury lasts about 1,408 hours. About the same as a common Monday on Earth.
@Bandersnaaatch: A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
@TheMichaelRock: Me: Do you want a burger or a hot dog? Her: Neither. I'm vegan. Me: Feel free to eat as much grass as you want.