Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
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I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
good work, detective
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference