BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
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*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
This did not end as expected.
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here