[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
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11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.