[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
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[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti