[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
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Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma