When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
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I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
This guy gets it.
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket