Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
You Might Also Like
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.