Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
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Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
This is my emotional support knife.
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
Ion see the issue
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
Zack Greinke stories are the best
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?