Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
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Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up