Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
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Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
Netflix and you sit over there.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.