Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
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I bet birds love this building.
don’t be scared
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”