BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
You Might Also Like
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…