Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
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yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
The prophecy is fulfilled
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms