[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
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Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.