*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
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my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”